Dark Wings: The Laws of Robotics
by Tharagon
Summary: One past event reminds Shepard why exactly he really doesn't like one particular AI. Includes CAKE, blue-screens, rather peeved Rachni, a broken shotgun, Shepard's blood pressure, a desktop background designed to 'sooth' and an abundance of 2s. Enjoy...


Right, completely unrelated to any pieces I'm doing, cept Lieutenant Commander Andrew Shepard being the main character. Even so, this was dredged from the depths of my ideas folder and will only be a one shot. Anyway, enjoy. 

* * *

_Some people settle for a Thermostat. Cerberus went all the way…you gave a ship a brain._

"Coffee..." Shepard rested his forehead against the exterior of the coffee machine and enjoyed the cool touch of the metal "...lots of."

"Your Caffeine levels are reaching dangerous levels, Commander." Shepard winced as the speaker warbled beside his ear. Within the crowded interior of the mess hall, the lunch hour was a heated affair, the grouped crew arguing over some fact or other, their discussion becoming even louder as Garrus clanked from the forward batteries. Alien related, Shepard sighed, this was not going to do anything for his head ache. His implants were giving him gyp, he had Tali's engine reports waiting on his desk and Miranda's and Jack's current feud to solve, the Commander creasing the skin around his grey eyes with one hand as he accepted the cup of coffee. The previous crew had been okay, they'd just worked, even without having to sprint from one end of the galaxy to the other to solve some problem or other which had been afflicting them. There were just so many problems...

"Commander..."

"Alright...alright...alright..." and that was another one...Shepard waved the hologram aside with one hand, taking a sip of the steaming beverage as he did "...I know...quit bugging me."

"Disrupting one holograph is not going to disturb my programs, Commander..." EDI's voice sounded through the speakers as the holograph disappeared. She sound extremely prim, for a machine as Shepard activated the lift door, leaving Gardner and crew to their argument "...it is not a physical embodiment of myself and will not be damaged by physical abuse."

"Should i be worried that you're are referring to you or 'it' as 'Self'? I've seen far to many, homicidal AI movies to know when to get worried."

"Don't worry, Commander..." The lift door closed behind him, EDI now glaring at him through a security camera which lurked in the shadow in the corner of the lift "...I reserve my homicidal temperament for Mr Monroe..." there was a brief awkward silence, Shepard fixing the security Camera with one hard stare. "...that was a joke."

"Ha Ha Ha..." Shepard said sarcastically. EDI's lack of humor was disturbing at best, Shepard tended to avoid the cameras, allowing the rest of the crew to interface with the resident AI. Too much past history...Shepard shuddered as a cold wind rippled through his memory;

_

* * *

_

The last Rachni hit the ground as the long corridors dropped back into a peaceful silence. In the cold air, the sound of cooling weapons was the only noise as Shepard looked rather guiltily at the stump of his old shotgun. His rifle had over heated several minutes ago and without a better weapon, Shepard had started to bludgeon the attacking Rachni over the head with the butt of his shotgun, unwilling to sacrifice his Geth rifle.

This hadn't worked, especially with an irate insect trying to tear a new hole in Shepard's face.

"All done Skip…"

Shepard nodded, tossing the destroyed shotgun behind him. It clattered away nosily, the noise loud and sharp down the empty, dead corridors of Peak 15. Chief Willams wrenched her own combat knife from the head of one of the large insect like creatures, wiping its blade on one open palm. Beside her, Liara let her biotic potential recede, one rather flat bug dropping from the ceiling and landing with a wet slap on the floor.

"This place is so dead…."

"Really…." Shepard said as Liara stepped up behind him "….I hadn't noticed!"

Liara blushed, trying to avoid Shepard's gaze as in the echoing, awkward silence, Ashley shuffled her feet as Shepard strode by, his eyes slits behind his visor as he approached a circular arena of main frame and hard drive boxes. Holographic consoles sprang to life as he approached, though these flickered with an painful to watch blur.

"Power's barely on…" Shepard felt his mind ticking as he entered the gap within the ring of main frames "…looks as though the back up generators are barely holding."

"What do you want us to do, Shepard?" Liara said, stowing her pistol, eyeing one of the floor vents all the while. Who knows when those things would return…Liara shuddered as in her mind, those slavering mandibles were reaching for her.

"Guard me…I'm going to try and get the Peak up and running again…"

"Yeah, we know that…" William's looked up from the corpse she was inspecting with the aid of the toe of her boot. "…understood. What do you want us to do about these?" She signaled to the dead which lay scattered liberally across the walls.

"Leave them…" Shepard said grimly "…no one likes to the see the bodies of their own soldiers." He broke the ice which was gathering on one the activation button and took a step back as a single rotating holographic woman popped up.

"You are attempting to connect with the Peak 15 Main-Frame. I am Mira, your personal guide, Virtual Intelligence for the Peak 15 Station. Memory Cores are damaged, I am also detecting that the main core is down, the Drive Core has failed and that we currently have an infestation occurring in the Tram Terminal."

"Oh god damn it….its the Paper Clip all over again…" Shepard waved the orange dust which made up the virtual image aside angrily, ignoring the rather plastic smile etched into the holograph's features. He made a mental note to turn off the help feature on his private terminal.

"You are attempting to Connect with the Peak 15 Main Frame. A restoration attempt of the Memory Core and Drive Core should be attempted before you attempt to restore land line connections…" Mira intoned as a single holographic panel broke from the projector behind her. On it, a personalized desktop image glared back. Strikingly bright, a blue sky set the grassy hill below alight with light as video processors sent birds winging their way through the sky above. "…please use the DeskTop provided to interact with memory. It will be here to assist you if any trouble arises.

"Right…right…"Shepard released the clips on the side of his helmet and set it down on the floor beside his foot.

"To start, open the Command Centre Feature."

"Ok."

Mira shimmered…

"Now open diagnostics panel H"

"Right…"

"Go to Computer Files…then press Temporary Files….bbbzzzzzzzz…defragging taking place to return memory to correct levels of efficiency. Loading…..Loading….Loading….Loading…."

Shepard cracked his knuckles, swaying back on his heels in the freezing cold air.

"…please refrain from tampering with the console…"

"What…!" Shepard jolted forward "…I didn't press anything!"

"Please Refrain…" Mira said primly, Shepard shaking his head. "….Loading…"

"Wait….wait….wait…" Shepard squinted at the screen "…your predicted time is increasing, not going down?"

"Please Refrain from Tampering with the Console."

Ashley yawned loudly, seated on the cold floor and massaged the crick in her back. Beside her Liara, slightly paler then usual, shivered, the slight twitch in her brow giving away the anxiety she felt.

"Now go to command settings…"

Shepard grudgingly did so, going over and over in his head whether or not he was going to scrap the whole mission and go home.

"Now go to task bar."

It had all been going so badly, the rest of the crew had taken one look at the weather and all developed all kinds of ailments which had meant they couldn't leave the confines of the ship. And Tali had got lodged in a drive coil so that wasn't happening either.

"Now in task bar press Memory Settings…" and this was all turning out to be a real pain "….and land line settings."

Shepard dropped another memory core onto the ground beside him as Mira ran the relevant software. And realized something….

"I pressed that already…."

"Buffering…."

"….Now its showing a little hour glass thing but I can't do anything."

"Just give it a minute…"

"All I'm trying to do is fix the land lines and bring the core back on line…."

Mira shimmered "...and I'm telling you to wait a minute"

Shepard leant against the memory bank beside him.

"….and now press 'transfer electrical settings'"

"….Ok, I've pressed Transfer Electrical Settings"

"….and now click preferences."

"Right, I've…..done that"

"Ok….press browser."

"All I'm trying to do…..!"

"Ok. Now go to shortcut, Core Set Up"

"Right, right"

There was brief click.

"Right now press Activate main core…"

"Right….its not letting me through. It says I have to have Windows Vista installed."

"Option to install certain documen….."

"Right…not again."

"Registering new files for use. You have new Hardware which requires installing. Would you like to install new hardware?"

"No…um…" Shepard looked back up to where the landline diagnostic screen sat "…I mean…" were land lines hardware? "…ok…install new hardware."

"ERROR…." Mira buzzed, several mother boards emitting smoke as Shepard watched "…please press CTRL ALT DELETE."

"Don't you dare blue screen me…!" Shepard smacked the hard-drive as the holograph displayed a single rotating blue square. "…oh god damn it."

"Reboot…" letters began to appear across the blue screen, each falling in sequence as Shepard looked on exasperatedly "…Reboot required. Critical system error detected. Error Error Error. Reboot or Critical System Crash will occur."

"Oh no…don't do this to me now…" Shepard let his head sink into his hands as the AI flickered. "…I just need to connect the Landlines and get Peak 15 working again!"

"Error registered. ."

"Oh god there's twos." Shepard took a step back. The lights went out as the emergency generators powered down, the corridors plunging into pitch black darkness. Eerily, the speakers were still crackling with noise as the VI powered down. Mira was singing…

"Daisy Daisy Daisy…."

"Oh boy…" There was a loud bang and the machine went dead. In the silence that followed, Ashely shifted from one foot to the other.

"Well done Shepard…you've killed the computer."

"Alright…" Shepard activated his lights, as did the rest of his squad, his left arm reaching for the on button "…we'll just turn her back on and start again."

"Not again Shepard…" Liara grumbled as Shepard reached for the Hardware. "...I mean, we've been standing here half an hour. Can't we just go get Miss Zorah to restart the machines?"

"No…we can do this. I am not going to be stumped by a cloud of virtual dust."

There was a bumpf noise, a shriek of static as in one vast cloud of orange dust Mira returned. Shepard shielded his eyes from the blazing light with a yell as the holograph reignited, screamed:

"THE CAKE IS A LIE!"

And then she was gone, the room shrinking back into darkness. Shepard blinked to clear the spots from his vision, staggering as his eyes adjusted. Silence followed but the crackling of fried hard drives and the plink of over hot metal

"On second thoughts…" Shepard exchanged a glance with the other two members of his squad "…lets go get Tali."

"Yeah…" Ashley shook her head exasperatedly "…lets."

"Remind me in the future…" they left the smoking main frame behind, making for the door of the facility "…never let me install any kind of computer system on any ship I fly."

* * *

The whirring of the lift was the only noise as Shepard cracked his neck and looked grimly at the single security camera. It was watching him beadily, Shepard knew very well what was watching him and with a sigh he turned back to the door.

"Yeah….you certainly forgot to remind me, Chief."

In her little room, EDI half sniggered to herself, withdrawing her digital feelers from a small segment of Shepard's past history. After a quiet moment of reflection for her/it's electronic bretheren, she shut down the cameras in Shepard's quarters and went to do something of far greater importance.

Joker started awake as the holographic pad beside him fizzled with energy. EDI, materializing out of a slight mist of particulate energy, rippled with a slight energy cascade, pulsed slightly and said in a rather clear voice;

"As part of a previously mentioned required test protocol, we can no longer lie to you…."

"Wha…?"

"Cake. Would you like some Mr Munroe…?" EDI trilled. "…Its so succulent and moist."

Joker gingerly lent across and activated the intercom button beside his chair "…Shepard…" There was a raspy crackle on the other end of the line as Shepard activated the intercom in his quarters.

"Hmm…what?"

"The Computer's just started talking crazy. Can you come down…like now…and….eh sort it out…I don't really want to be killed preferably…like chopped up into little pieces dead. I mean…I'm sitting next to an airlock. And I know my career isn't exactly ambitious but I'd like it to continue…" Joker gave EDI a quick glance "…like help?"


End file.
